I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
