After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
