I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
