My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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