what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
