You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
