Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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