pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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