this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
