His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
