Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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