bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
