So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
