I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
