I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
