i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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