So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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