note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Enjoy the penises
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
