My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
