It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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