Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
