saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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