So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
