would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
