I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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