She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
