Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
