you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
