The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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