She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
