made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
