I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
