I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
i need to put some appletini on your dick
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
