I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
a search helicopter?!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
