I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
