I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
