Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
