Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You ate ashes out of my bong
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
