The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
