Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
