My entire life is one complicated drinking game
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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