I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
