i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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