I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
