Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
