so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
