the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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