The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
