Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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