Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
