After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
