Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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