I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
