I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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